In Dee’s World

In physics, we learn that metals, which have grains (an alignment of molecular structure or particles), have impurities and imperfections. But these imperfections actually give characteristics to the metals, so we can distinguish them, from copper to zinc and whatnot. With work-hardening and annealing, maybe just maybe, the imperfections can knocked out of the metal or melted into nothingness.

That got me thinking. The flaws and imperfections of a human being, n the ability to bleed, to feel hurt, r the things that make you, you. If everyone is perfect and go through life like robots…then…what’s the point of getting 2 noe a person when that person is exactly like u or like someone u already noe? There’s no spice n flavour in life that way.

I’m not saying that its the green light to do whatever we want without any consequences but I believe that mistakes happen for a reason. How do we know that it’s a mistake if we don do the mistake 1st? Frankly, I think it’s b8er 2 make a mistake n learn frm it rather than go through life not making a mistake n wondering if the mistake was a mistake or not a mistake. U know what I mean.

I wonder if it’s a mistake to go on a diet. I mean, I’m 58kg, about 6kg heavier than when i was a slender 16-year-old (haha), but I’m hungry…hmm..

A wise person once said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say,
then don’t say anything at all”. And I would be dismissing this wise person’s
advice because I am about to say something not nice about people saying
something not nice. In blogs.

Because I am not part of this blog craze ( which I acknowledge,
could be fun, if you have the time/have excellent time management to juggle ur
oh-so-precious education and hundreds of extracurricular activities and the
ingenuity s well s creativity to put brilliant thoughts into catchy words but
since I am not one of these things..), I was behind time, n only now, catching
up on the windmill of things happening in my lovely hometown Kuching, Sarawak.
Particularly the thoughts of 13-18 year olds.

Now, if a certain 14-yr old or 15-yr old (wadevr form she’s in, i
dont care) can be burlesque n somewhat tasteless in expressing her
shallow-trying-to-be-cool thoughts, I can do the same in a classy and polite
manner. But classy and polite is out of the question now because

I am APPALLED and OUTRAGED at her blog!!

What is WRONG with her?? Am I to believe that all Malaysian midgets
are haywire?

It makes me sick to the stomach and makes me want to swallow my own
bile to see the words on that person’s blog. Dissing ur peers, ur teachers, ur
school n RELIGION that way? What point are u trying to prove?? If u have that
much anger in u, seek help n counselling immediately.

Oh, god, maybe she is crazy. She shouldnt be in st. teresa. Good n
bad, I luv my alma mater, it shaped me to be who I am today – a flawed person,
ready to xplore the world n learn.

Anyway, I noe there is teen angst n freedom of expression n
defiance of authority n all that….but could that person be less immature??

I’m sorry I sound all rude and full of contempt and all that but
seriously….the religion thing is way out of line. Whether ur a Muslim,
Christian or Buddhist or a free-thinker, u practise tolerance. EL, look up
tolerance in ur dictionary. U dont say things like “faith is for suckers”. I
guess God is All-Forgiving if ur still alive n well…still, not my call to
judge or hand out punishments. But when you get what you deserve, i think most
people would breathe a sigh of relief and think, “Yes, there is a God, and He
is fair”.

Now, I know that my fs profile is not the hotspot, n my fs blog is
not the most read blog there is…but at least, I collect my thoughts and put
pen to paper. Or in this case, fingers to keyboard. N the words flow out in the
heat of the moment so if what i say is offensive to people other than that
insensitive, callous malaysian midget, my apologies.

Friendster Blog – 28/04/90 1.18am

Sometimes, I wish I’m one of those people who does work fast, analyzes mathematical problems at the speed of light and is really smart and focused and everything.

I’m quite a dreamy person at times…and I do take my own time doing work, understanding it in a relaxed manner, hence my sleeping habits, 2am, 3am….once or twice, 5am..and then class at 8.15am (gasp!). This month, my headache or migraine kept on popping its ugly head at the most inconvenient hours (pure maths class). I’m not making excuses because I know everyone is facing the same problem…transition from spm to pre-U (A-levels, IB, foundation..) is never a smooth one. What more, I’m missing home all the time.

Alhamdulillah my spm result was nice but when I think back about the past 2 years, the journey was not easy. There were many, many tears and blood on my part as well as others’ in achieving that goal. There were more failures than successes. I didn’t get A’s all the time. I’ve disappointed my parents and my teachers and things were really hard at times and STRUGGLE was the main agenda of the day.

There’s a harder journey ahead, and we never stop setting and achieving goals because when we do, that’s when life stops. Whether it’s a goal to get close to God, or to get into that university, or to buy a house, human beings are meant to exist everyday with a purpose. And one of my purposes now is to, and I quote Audrey, my college friend is “to hit them A’s up”.

That’s academic. Personal life? Hmm…let’s keep that on the DL for now, shall we? Should get back to work now! =)

XOXO.
I love Gossip Girl!

Friendster Blog – 19/04/90

There’s no continuation from the previous post to this post. Life took a 360 degrees turn….there’s a quote saying “Nothing is permanent except change”. My feelings, my thoughts, my heart change…but not my values.

Anyway, this post is supposed to be about how i spent my 18th birthday….the big one. The entry to the realm of adulthood…and it was also my first birthday away from home, in college. Now, when I say birthday in college, one might think of freedom, liberation…partying!! But, and this is a big but, I am in KYUEM, a boarding college, where one is not allowed to move around after 11.30pm, one is not supposed to be late for class or miss class and all that sort. I think the college is one of THE BEST in m’sia (hehehh), but it doesn’t give one much chance to test the extend of one’s responsibility to adulthood (do u go crazy jz bcuz ur legal? Or do u take on bigger things, knowing ur not to depend on ur parents anymore and u have the ability to forge your own path in life? Or do u do both??)

Anyway, I’m getting off the subject now. On 14th April night, I was cramming for my chem test…very last minute…auggh….and my chaletmate, Audrey set up her alarm clock to midnight jz to wish me happy birthday! And my chellies( chaletmate) + nanthini wished me as well. My fren called my fon s well, asking is he d 1st person to wish me….sadly, no…huhu. So there i was outside the chalet, talking on d fon, when my chellies came running out with a homemade crown, singing happy birthday…i wont forget the sight….’cause they looked SO cute!! It was really sweet and nice. After all the singing, hugs and pics, back to chemistry….bt no mood then. My fren back from Kuching called as well…oh, and there were bday msges coming in…thank you, u all! (my fon rosak, so i don have most of ppl’s no.)

The day itself was nice…that night i ate dinner in the chalet.

The birthday celebration was tonight….at Chilli’s in KLCC. Actualy, it was a combined clbrtion wif Varshana….. It was SO fun. Ate soo much and laughed so much….Bob had a migraine…so Harry B said “his grain” as opposed to “my grain…”…what the heck…and we took hundreds of pics, literally.

In a nutshell, my college frens are cool….luv them. But I miss my frens in Kuching SO SO SOO MUCH. If i think about it, it hurts a lil…the times we had in skool, around town, being crazy in general…Shida, Ziqah, Fifa, Amal, Hanan n the rest…if ur reading this, i miss u guys n hope to see u. Assalamualaikum! =)

Before all this free time, vast and endless like the ocean (pre-SPM), I’ve wanted to do a lot of things. I had plans albeit daydreams about things which I could fill when i would not be bound by books and homeworks.

I wanted to exercise more and keep fit,
I wanted to learn how to cook,
I wanted to read books, both fiction and non-fiction,
I wanted to clean my room n go Mary Poppin crazy,
I wanted to go out and have fun,
I wanted to spend more time with my loved ones,
I wanted to catch up on DVD’s and PS2.

I did exercise but only recently. I jogged a few times, Im really out of shape, got out of breath so soon. I also did Sports Yoga, which is pretty hard but calming and rejuvenating for some unexplainable reason. I did Step workout 2day, really intense. My legs are not that jiggly anymore! They’re just…big. My fav is Body Bar, carrying weights for almost an hour. I can’t really bulk up tho, no matter how heavy the weights are. Hmmm….still long way to go before I become fit.

My cooking skills? Non-existent. At all. Wait…I did whip up scrambled eggs…enjoyed by my younger sister. Or brother. I dont remember, I have a lot of siblings.

Reading books…yay, I love to! I read sum nice romance novels I borrowed frm Shida…oh, my, they were very…illuminating. Did read a couple of finance books, and there’s this philosophy book, The Republic by Plato which is a translation….it’s really cool, but I havent finished it and I want to read a lot more…such as Gordon Brown’s autobiography, a book called ‘A Short History of Nearly Everything’. Still, reading books need a certain kind of mood….so reading list not going well…

Clean my rooms Haha. Funny. I still think it’s one of the hardest things in the world to do.

I did go out with frens for the 1st few weeks…but kuching dusnt have much to offer in terms of having fun and going out. I can have fun too, staying in…still, got plans for saturday night!

Spending time with loved ones…Kamarul and I dont have matching schedules…it’s not the sms-ing each other evry 5 minutes kinda thing…still, we’re good. Gonna miss him next year. I did spend quality time with my youngest bro Amirul tho…I love him SO much. I cannot live without him. Without them. Amirul and Kamarul.

DVD, yes…Grey’s Anatomy….oooh, super nice. Did the Lord of The Rings Marathon. The Return of The King gets me everytime, it’s full of action and emotion…resonance of human being’s inner core. Lolzz. PS2, yepp, some…got sore wrist from it.

So did I fulfill the things I wanted to do?

Sumtimes I do wonder, how on earth do we manage to get along, when we don’t really have anything in common? U.S was supposed to represent freedom and a melting pot, where people from all walks of life, and different races, come to find something. Malaysia, for one, is a multi-racial country for which peace and justice as well as mutual tolerance and understanding are shown towards each other whether ur a malay, chinese, indian or ethnic group.

But is this true?

Ok, I sound all….weird but it does fascinate me when I observe those around me. There are so many different types of people that I wonder how all of us get to agree on one thing. In a school for example…there are the studious type, the overachiever type (with lots of KK activities under their belt), the rebellious type, the bitchy (forgive me) type, the slackers and lots more. Then there are different types of school…the school with brilliant students but crap facilities or school with crap students and brilliant facilities. Then there are schools full of students who are smart  and snobbish or schools full of students who are not smart and snobbish.

That’s just me with random thoughts

Monday to wednesday of the 1st week of holiday was quite full for me. Monday, went for breakfast in the morning, then had sejarah and add maths class. The weird thing was I actually learned something during this extra classes as opposed to my usual sleepy, cant-wait-for-school-to-end mindset. Then, went to parkson for a while…shopped for a bit…went home and changed then went for ELC tuition. We were so sick of studying that we asked the teacher for games (lolzzz, like kids) and one of the games was Truth or Dare. Oh, man…heheheh. I cunt luk at ck in d eye when they were questioning him. At night, I jz relaxed at home…and sumting..not good happened but it was fine in the end.

The next day was more hectic. Woke up at 6 sumting then went to skool for extra sejarah class. After that, went to GRSS for the debate workshop. Cynthia, me n abraham were part of the demo debate against gr juniors and I think i was a lil’ rusty. But still, I love debate. I really, really do. Hope I can still do it when I leave skool. N I nvr knew oral adjudicating was so much fun!

I went home and only had 15 mins 2 bathe n change thn went to McD to eat b4 going to add maths tuition. Oh, yeah, of cuz, I was quite tired and when I lay my head down, Mr. Ang scolded me! Bt he din scold a certain other student when he did the same thing for like half-an-hour. Hmmph! Its d same thing if me, godwinna n jess were talking, he’ll b scolding me n nt them. Oh, well, I shud b honoured that he notices me.

The nxt day, I went to coffee bean for a breakfast meeting with some other band members. Eggs ben was delicious bt I kinda see kher lee’s point abt d frivolity of spending 12 bucks for a breakfast. Neways…after the ‘meeting’, we walked arnd Tun Jugah, luking at clothes. I was very tempted by this Giordano pants bt its over a hundred n I nid d $ whn Im travelling alone nxt monday. Kher lee tried on this….thing….hahah, interesting n hot. Thn we went to Pizza Hut to eat, split the bill fairly and walked to Star to watch Pirates. Love d movie. N I saw CK, n his mum n bros…it was a lil bit scary n awkward 2 b honest.

Afta d movie, we walked back to parkson n thn I went to pbk. I was carrying my handbag instead of my tuition bag, so its a lil weird. At the end of d day, i was super-tired.

Don wanna think abt wad happened during exams, how i did, bla bla bla…bt jz gonna enjoy these 16 days of hols s much s possible, 4 an SPM student neways.

Rite after exams, had a club meeting….on 3 tiny tables, lolzz…2 b honest, I’ve nvr been in a club lyk LADS,or any clubs 4 dat matter, jz prefects n band which are very structured n controlled so I’m kinda adjusting….s a member n 1 of d leaders….trying my best tho, hope ppl 4giv me 4 lack of intellect n xperience.

So I got home, eat, relish my freedom n watched E! lying down on the coach. Thn I went to sleep till like 6pm….at nite, I watched DVD’s….Stepford Wives is so cool! Albeit scary. N dis past couple of weeks, I began 2 have an obsession wif fruit juices….so yummy! Mango, apple, orange, lychee….yum yum. Dis is better - n healthier thn my obsession with coke whn I was in form 2.

Saturday, band practice in d morning….damn, hate d section leader’s instrument bt wad 2 do, my bro took my sax 2 play in SJS BAND….hrmmm….had 2 do sumting wif shida n cikgu yus 4 a while…n i used dis computer where they had all d info abt form 5 classes…wanted 2 look bt of cuz knot. Thn I bought mango juice frm St3 Koperasi…yummy! Its delicious.

Afternoon, went to a spa for a well-deserved massage…thn d lady asked me, "R u sporty n active?" And I’m like, "Hell, no"…turns out sumting wrong wif my back nerves keep on coming out or sumting…scary…

At night, went 2 an aunt’s house 4 a while 4 dis family thing. My aunt jz adopted dis 3-month old baby…oooh, he’s a cutie wif big round eyes. Thn we went 2 crowne plaza 4 japanese buffet….omg, ate so much sushi, california roll, tempura, cakes n ice cream. Lurrvvve d wasabi ice cream. No wonder im gaining weight. Oooh, n I was wearing my 3-inch Hush Puppies heels…..whic I seldom do, n ppl were lyk, ur sooo tall! They din even noe I was wearing heels which made me practically 6-feet. -_-

N dats d end of my superboring blog post. More superboring posts coming out if n when I feel like it. =)

Hmmm….actually, there’s like quite a lot of things been going on in my life…interesting things, and I would say to myself, "Must record this in my blog!" but then yeah, life is so busy…which is a shame, really, because ur schooldays r 1 of d things worth remembering…like ur first kiss. Nah, I cant have one. Jz cuz evry1’s doing it dusnt mean I will…plus I really dunno how.

Y am I talking abt dat?? Yeah, soo…Prefects’ Camp’s over oredi, been planning that for weeks b4 dat. It was quite fun, but tiring. Too bad the mini-telematch at the beach had to be cancelled! We had fun stuff planned for the juniors…ooh, yeah, I remember walking arnd d camps at 12am with grace n kher lee….it was cold…I brought like a big trolley suitcase as well as a big sports bag and a big beach bag, and everyone was like "What did u bring?? R u staying here 4 2 days or 2 weeks??" But…yeah…there’s my lovely, thick, blue bathrobe…my hairdryer…clothes n stuff. Missed Roger a lot too!

After d camp, things started to go INSANE. Was so busy, hardly enough sleep….homework and prefects’ typing and stuff with LADS…dah lagi my exam results not that stunning…my mum wasn’t happy but at least top 10 lah…and preparing for public-speaking competition. But who am I to complain? Im sure a lot of ppl out there r going thru d same thing or even worse. Hard work and perseverance are the keys.

Still had time 4 a lil bit of fun…had prefects’ meeting at coffee bean wif grace twice…thn after my LADS meeting at st. jo, F. Ann and Kit picked me up…went to Hock Lee, hihi, so sweet! Bt Ann’s driving skills were..interesting. We played games at d arcade n thn they went 2 my huz. My youngest bro was like, so wary of thm. Funny.

The tuesday after that before add maths tuition. Sumting happened, really dramatic…kind of a misunderstanding on both our parts. But yeah, I really cried hard. I was really, really sad and crushed at that time, but at least we settled it b4 class….dunno if anyone noticed my blotchy face n puffy eyes onot. Bt whn I retold the story 2 my best frens d nxt day, we were all laughing so hard cuz, d events were quite over-the-top. Me, running so hard….standing by the roadside, tears sliding down my face n d wind blowing thru my hair….lolz. But…truthfully, I’ve never felt this way about anyone else in my entire life.

Had the public-speaking competition today….gosh it was tougher thn last year. The topic was harder n d ppl there were more terer. Still had fun meeting old and new ppl….I was totally nervous at 1st but during the semi-final (7 out of abt 30 got in), I didn’t bring my speech 2 d front nemore…hoped I did ok, jz soooo glad its over now.

Hmmm…my to-do list is really long this weekend…haih…still, mum sed she’ll bring me out 2mr afternoon 2 c my cutest cousin!

[Chorus]
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don’t like your girlfriend!
No
way! No way!
I think you need a new one
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be
your girlfriend

Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you like me
No way!
No way!
No it’s not a secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your
girlfriend

[Verse 1]
You’re so fine
I want you
mine
You’re so delicious
I think about ya all the time
You’re so
addictive
Don’t you know what I could do to make you feel alright?
Don’t
pretend I think you know I’m damn precious
Hell yeah
I’m the motherfucking
princess
I can tell you like me too and you know I’m
right

[Bridge]
She’s like so whatever
You could do so much
better
I think we should get together now
And that’s what everyone’s
talking about!

[Chorus]
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don’t like
your girlfriend!
No way! No way!
I think you need a new one
Hey! Hey!
You! You!
I could be your girlfriend

Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know
that you like me
No way! No way!
No it’s not a secret
Hey! Hey! You!
You!
I want to be your girlfriend

[Verse 2]
I can see the
way, I see the way you look at me
And even when you look away I know you
think of me
I know you talk about me all the time again and again
Now come
over here, tell me what I want to hear
Better yet make your girlfriend
disappear
I don’t want to hear you say her name ever again
(And again and
again and again!)

[Bridge]
She’s like so whatever
You could
do so much better
I think we should get together now
And that’s what
everyone’s talking about!

[Chorus]
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I
don’t like your girlfriend!
No way! No way!
I think you need a new
one
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your girlfriend

Hey! Hey! You!
You!
I know that you like me
No way! No way!
No it’s not a
secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your girlfriend

In a second
you’ll be wrapping around my finger
Cuz I can, cuz I can do it
better
There’s no other
No one can this thing, I can
She’s so
stupid
What the hell were you thinking?!
[repeat]

[Chorus
(repeat)]

Love this song!

K had owez loved me right from the beginning. He was so
caring and kind to me and he did so many things for me, he sacrificed a lot of
things for me, that his love should be illegal.

And what did I do?

I betrayed his trust and love.

I got too close with another guy, Y and it was a huge
mistake. MY mistake. I let things got too far. I’ve

nev

er said I was his girlfren or that we’re
together, he just assumed and tell everyone that I am. Sure, a picture speaks a
thousand words and there were, what, 4 pictures. I shouldn’t have got myself
into that situation, I should have been more firm and clear and I’m really,
really, sorry about it. I regret it. What measure of tolerancy – or the lack of
thought of K compelled me to do such an act? It wasn’t seriously X-rated but it
was inappropriate. I cannot explain myself for the pictures which scream the
words ‘lying bitching ho’, I could only say I didn’t mean it to happen and I’ve
no intention of repeating it.

That said, I was

nev

er
his girlfren and after I explained that we’re not together, he said I screwed
him, used him and dumped him? That’s a lie. A LIE. I know the pictures said
otherwise, but I’m not that kind of girl. I’m not a slut, I don’t date around.
In fact, I disapprove of people who have, like gazillion of boyfrens but not
serious relationships, so I would be a hypocrite and lying to myself if what
ppl r saying abt me is true, rite? I

nev

er
meant to mislead anyone or play around with people’s feelings. The world judge you
by your actions and not your intentions and this time, my actions contradict my
intentions.

K defended me when everyone turned against me and when his
frens told him to forget about me, that I would just do the same thing again.
Thank you so much for trusting me, K….thanks for sticking by me. Over the last
two years plus, you have really proved

ur

self
and there’s no one like u. K,

ur

so important to me. I’m sorry.

P.S: I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone. I hope this is the
end of the case, and nothing happened again.